Meet Adriane- A Mother of Three In Recovery

A little bit of my story…

Fairy Tale Ending

That moment that you realize where your heart has been for many years. The exact reason why commitment and love doesn’t always seem to flow into your new found relationships. Unresolved issues, unresolved pain.

You have a “type” and have tried dating that “type” only to realize it wasn’t a type. It was the persons heart and soul that you were attracted to. You stood your ground, turned your back, and before you knew it, it was too late. Too late in a sense of a binding contract that can’t change whats been done. Years later you’re left with what you had and the other person is left with a completed family (husband, wife, and kids). Although, its not “completed” because your two hearts are far from the family and still joined with one another.

There is such thing as fairy tale endings, but when does it come? Many years after you’ve both realized that a mistake was made and that you have to suffer the given consequences until something breaks? Will you both live your lives putting up a false front that you’re both happy without each other?

Then one day, maybe one day, you’ll both wind up on the front porch of a home that you both own, in your rocking chair and gray hair enjoying the sunset. The children and grandchildren that you’ve created in the conditional relationships are now what you hold together in an unconditional love.

Seek your true love til the end, whether far or near…. the fairy tale ending can be yours.

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My Best Friend

She can show the best unconditional love. It’s the closest love to what anyone could ever receive, similar to the love we receive through God. When I yell at her, she is still there, just listening and waiting to show me affection. She never puts a condition on her love for me. I can do no wrong.

When I’ve had a rough day, she’ll just sit with me, letting me know that it’s all going to be ok. When I break down and cry, she’ll hold me, until I’m no longer crying. When I’m cooking and helping with homework, she’s right there to help alleviate the stresses of living.

Sometimes, she decides to give me a run for my money, becomes stubborn and won’t listen to a thing I say. When I entice her with sweets, her mind quickly changes. She loves to sit with me when I’m in the bathroom, and listen to my singing, she also will cock her head to the side when she seems confused.

My best friend has the most beautiful brown eyes. Eyes so deep, that her wrongs are always made right. Her body language is quick to tell me when she’s done wrong. She loves to cuddle up in my lap with all four legs tucked in. I like to call her Cricky, but her real name is Cricket, and she is one in a million.

Aesthetic Intimacy

Have you ever viewed a sunset and felt nothing but complete peace? Ever watched a sunrise and stood in awe at its beauty? Or have you stared into the sky of stars and felt nothing but complete comfort or happiness.

This is aesthetic intimacy. Aesthetic is the appreciation of beauty. Intimacy is defined as closeness. Enjoying the beauty of the universe. This feeling is one that I like to call aesthetic intimacy with God. I feel so close to my Creator in these moments of beauty. It could be the way the crickets chirp at night, the dogs howling all together, or the sound of the earth shaking when a horse gallops along. The beauty of His majesty is all around us.

I like to think that God is in the heavens with a paintbrush, brushing across the skies. That He is up there as a director, directing His choir of many beings to all be in unison and sing in just the way that is pleasing to His ears.

In nature and its magnificent glory is when I feel closest to my Father and almost as if I’m being cradled in His arms. These moments have to be the closest feeling to agape love as I could ever imagine.

Text, Text, Text, Text…TEXT!!!

Text messaging… what is its purpose? Do you text someone with the intent to have a conversation? Do you text to simply say hello or I love you? Do you expect someone to text back immediately or is it for when they get a chance to respond?

I can sometimes be horrible at sending texts back and others, I can respond almost immediately. If I get a text when I’m in the middle of something, I find that if I click on the actual message without responding, I probably will completely forget. If it’s something that needs time to think on and I don’t have the time to respond right then, I try to make a phone call back instead.

I get so irritated with text messaging so often for many different reasons, but the main reason is because I have no idea what the tone of the text is. You know what I’m talking about…. that message that may just be meant to explain, but because you can not actually hear the person, it seems a bit condescending. Then, my reaction can even more sarcastic and condescending than that of the original message.

Not conversing in text messages is about as hard as holding a hot steamy hot dog wiener in front of a dog’s nose and expecting them not to grab it! That’s sad, but it’s the truth. I stay so busy with work, kids, and home life that I can’t possibly talk to every person that I text on the daily basis over the phone or in person. Although, I do know some people who use there cellular devices about as much as I use my grill.

Technology is so amazing, but I think sometimes it can be overused (speaking of myself). What would we ever do without it? I use my phone daily to read novels, do devotions, network, blog, keep up with children and family, scheduling, navigation, and play games. Why is it that I just can’t get the text messaging right?

I really find myself getting so caught up in one received message that it could almost ruin my whole day because I play the person’s tone over and over in my head. I know that majority of the time I don’t even know the true tone! Every time I hear that same ding, I pick it up and read anyways, even though I know what the outcome or result could possibly be!

I think that a new vow that I’m going to make is not conversing via text, e-mail, or any text context message where I can easily misconstrue someone’s tone. Wouldn’t that save a lot of pain or grief that I inflict upon myself? Wouldn’t that make it easier where I’m not spending my day with questions of why?

Gratitude

The word gratitude sure has popped up all day today. I thought about how grateful I was to be alive as soon as I woke up. I spoke of gratitude mid day. Then tonight, I can’t get over how blessed I am, even through the disasters.

I had to tend to four dogs (three from work) and three very hungry kids from 4:30-6. I managed to feed, clean, and bathe all of the kids. I even fed the four dogs! I remember looking up while standing at the refrigerator while surrounded by all of these energetic beings asking God to please bless this mess.

Sometimes I’m just grateful for the whole family to be sitting down in the car, because of there being no movement. Don’t get me wrong, when my kids aren’t home, I miss the pitter patter of little feet on hardwoods, but the car ride is peace and serenity!

After we dropped my son at soccer fields, me and the girls went to the plàyground. I sat on the hood of the car while watching the girls play, breathing the cool night air, and hearing the soft giggles from the ones who I adore. I wouldn’t change these feelings for the world.

Savoring the moment…..

You see, three years ago this time, I was forced to leave my newborn daughter with my mom. When I was younger, I never imagined that was the direction my life would go. Three years ago, I would’ve never imagined that I would be where I am today. That I’d be spending my evenings listening to children screaming or that I’d even be able to tolerate the loud noises.

To think that I’m going to be able to enjoy them for the rest of our lives, that I even made it through that valley amazes me.

I know today that if I lose sense of any gratitude, I will regress or fallback. Usually I will throw pity parties when I start becoming ungrateful. Those pity parties will be the beginning of torment for every one around me. I have to take a step back, remember where I once was, and praise God that I am where I am!

Celebrate Progress

At about 10:15 this morning, my son came into my room and asked me when we were leaving for church. He was fully dressed and ready to go to a service that was set to start exactly an hour later. I didn’t believe it was possibly to pull this off, because I would have to shower, get ready, and get two young girls ready. Seeing my son in the doorway wanting to go to church was definitely a motivating factor. I told him to get the girls ready while I got myself ready.

I loved seeing him in the bathroom trying to pull my youngest girls hair up. He was ready to go and at this point, he was willing to do just about anything to make sure we all went. Thank the Lord that he did, because this was one of the best services I’ve been to in a while. We go to Newspring Greenville and today kicked off a new series called I Love the 90’s. There was a mash up at the beginning that pieced together old songs from the 90’s. It was great!

Perry Noble spoke of spiritual progress. I sat there the whole sermon and thought about how my 11 year old son was pushing me to go, where he was at spiritually. Who was the parent in this situation? I should be continually pushing harder, guiding, and motivating my son. Not the other way around.

There was also a clip that was played where these parents were teaching their daughter how to walk. The look on the fathers face was priceless when she walked into his arms. Though wobbly, she made it. I was reminded of a verse in Proverbs that says, “may the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my rock, and my redeemer.” I picture God being pleased when we make progress, any progress.

When a light bulb goes off in our heads, He cheers. When we fall, get back up, and learn from the mistake, He cheers. I imagine the whole World being like a playing field of some sort, with God as our number one fan on the sideline! I believe that while my son was standing in that doorway, God was in the Heavens cheering him on.

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Angel in Disguise

Have you ever looked into your past and wished you would’ve done something differently? Thought that maybe if you would’ve done this or would’ve done that, that your life would somehow be different? Maybe the choices you’ve made haven’t always been the best, and you feel if you would’ve made better choices you would be at a different place in your life?

I had a very wise woman tell me once that your would’ves, should’ves, and could’ves are out the window. It’s one of the best quotes that I’ve ever been told and one that I live by daily. Why would I waste precious time dwelling on the things that I’ve done, or haven’t done? There is absolutely nothing I can do to change my past. I can use past experiences to learn and grow. I can use those to be stronger if I’m put in the same situation again.

My past is what makes me who I am today. For instance, if I would’ve never played soccer than I may not have such a passion for it today. If I didn’t have pets as a child, I wouldn’t love animals nor would I know how to care for them today. God forbid my parents and family not introduce me to Clemson Football, because I would hate to cheer for South Carolina Gamecocks! You see, every single experience and moment in our past determines who we are and who we become.

I believe that God uses different people with different pasts to reach out to those who have similar experiences as well. Your story can affect many of people if you are able to discern which parts you share to which group of people. It is not a mistake that you are sitting right where you are sitting, reading the exact word you are reading.

We are never given more than what we can handle and if we can’t handle the current situation that we are in, God can. Your current situation makes you! Your past situations make you. I get so discouraged when I meet someone who regrets their past. I know that God placed that person right there for us to learn from one another, to build one another up.

I for one am very grateful for my past. I went through a few struggles, but those struggles forced me to a place where the only choice I had was to look up. I tapped into a power much more grand than myself, that has and is forever there. Had I not gone through those struggles, I would’ve never looked up. I wouldn’t be sitting here today typing this blog.

I had a child at a young age. I was unwed and barely able to care for myself. Maybe me having my son was a saving grace for something bigger I was getting myself into. I struggled with addiction and like to never reached recovery. Maybe my addiction was someone else’s saving grace, because now I have a story. Now I have knowledge that I can share with other’s.

Have you ever considered that your trial and errors could save the next person from making the same trials and errors? Have you thought that maybe, just maybe that your purpose in life is to help save others from making the same mistakes? Or maybe your struggles can show others that there is hope, that you survived, so why couldn’t they?

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Does the Big Huge Universe Revolve Around me?

I used to think that this big planet called Earth revolved around me, and all that I wanted or needed. If you would’ve met me back then, you would’ve met me and my World. It wasn’t until quite a few trials and many, many errors later that I realized that I’m a little speck, glimpse, or dust particle in this infinite universe of being.

 

While watching Louie Giglio’s Indescribable, my whole World of big headed ole’ me slowly got turned into trying to figure out why I was so blessed to be able to be little ole’ me in this big huge World. He explained the distance, light years, and all this scientific stuff about how big our Universe truly is. At this moment I felt the pin prick all the air out of my head into a shriveled piece of nothing.

I was living in a home with other and almost all these other people who felt like the World revolved around them as well. There was once a car parked in the woods, and I remember one girl swearing that the government put that car there for her. They were setting her up so that she would do something bad, and they can blame her and take her away. I literally looked all around me… nothing but woods. We were in the smallest town in South Carolina, a town of approximately 2 roads! I looked at her, said really? You really think that our big huge government would do something like that? You really think they are that worried about you with all the serious things that are going on in our country? Maybe it’s paranoia. Or maybe there is a big illusion that we are God and that everyone should be worshipping us.

 

When we start raising God and putting Him where He belongs, who we are becomes so minute and small in the grand scheme of it all. When we begin to believe that we are spiritual beings just passing through, it tends to make our World and everything in it tiny. Don’t get me wrong, I love being with my family and my kids, but in the end nothing material that you gain while here on Earth will be taken with you when you leave here.

 

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The Angel on the Stoop

A couple years back, my mom told me that maybe I should try to do things differently. She said that all my life I’d been quite the rule breaker, pushing the limit with everything I did. I’ll admit, I was a very rebellious person. I remember my grandfather calling me “trouble” every time I walked into his house.

Taking heed to my mother’s advice, I made the decision that I was going to strive to do everything I did as if someone else was watching. Integrity can be so hard to have at times, especially when some of the things I did were out of habit! I was told that making a habit was much easier than breaking a habit. I was going to strive to make a life of integrity, being a woman of integrity.

Such a great character to have on your resume! Not the easiest to withhold, when it was hard to do a few things; throwing gum on the ground, picking up something that falls of a rack in the store, cursing in my head, or even speeding, thinking no one is looking.

This is what happened to me in the beginning of my journey to become this beautiful soul with integrity. I had quite a few roommates, all of which were women. These women kept things nice and tidy almost all the time. We had a hand towel in the bathroom that was always folded and thrown over the shower wall.

When I decided that I was going to start following all the rules and have integrity in all that I do, this towel seemed to start always mysteriously fall onto the floor after I used it, and only after I used it. It was long enough that there was room to tug on it and it stay in place. The first time it fell, I picked it up and put it where it belonged. I continued doing this, until I had probably done it a good ten times.

By the tenth time of this retched towel falling, I was getting extremely irritated. I found myself checking to see if any one else was in the bathroom, or if any one else was watching. At one point, I left the towel in the floor and continued out of the bathroom, only to make it half way down the hall to turn around and put it back.

All the sudden as if I’d been hit by a ton of bricks, I realized what was happening. You see, when we pray for God to help us strengthen our weaknesses, he does. You know how they say not to pray for patience because you’ll be put to the test. Well, this is what was happening to me! God was testing me to have integrity in ALL situations!

I believe to this day, that God sent one of his Angels down to that bathroom. He told the Angel to make sure every time Adriane (because he knows me by name) goes to wash her hands, flick that towel on the floor, and let’s see where her heart really is. I’m a woman of integrity because of this very situation! Sometimes being that woman can get a little overwhelming, but when I do everything with good intentions to begin with, there’s no worry. God has something in mind for every little situation!!!!

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